Weaving Feminist Thinking into Women’s “Code of Goodness”
I had the lovely privilege of photographing Anne Effron, LCSW, Board Certified Diplomate in Clinical Social Work for The Wellness Group. She shared some of her story.
"When I talk with people about my practice, I let them know that I specialize in women’s issues and couples therapy. In response, I am often asked ‘Exactly what are women’s’ issues?’ The feminist movement of the 1960s and 70s ignited a powerful shift in societal expectations and opened limitless possibilities for women, yet many women continue to grapple with the complexities of integrating these changes into their personal lives. Women live by an unspoken ‘Code of Goodness’. That’s a term coined by Claudia Bepko and Jo-Ann Krestan, family therapists and authors. They talk about how the Code keeps women focused outward on what other people think about or want from them. And, as a result, they forget to be the major characters in their own life story. Some examples of the major rules of the Code are: Be unselfish and of service; Make relationships work; and be competent without complaint.
As a therapist, I focus on helping women navigate these unspoken pressures and expectations. Several years ago, I was working with a woman who was a high-level executive in a major metropolitan hospital. Her presenting problem was her unhappiness in her marriage, and she felt an encroaching depression due to her dissatisfaction. When I explored with her what her unhappiness was based on, she told me that she felt her husband didn’t respect her and was often critical of her. When I asked her if she had ever spoken with him about it, she said she hadn’t. Her pattern was to silence herself and walk away. I wondered aloud how a woman, so at- home in her role as a powerful executive could be so easily intimidated by her partner at home. After some digging, it appeared that the culprit was guilt, that she viewed her mother as a paragon of selflessness with her husband and her own children. She felt that she fell short and therefore had no right to her own voice. Therapy involved encouraging her to transfer many of the skills she used at work to her more personal relationships: her trust in her own authority, her comfort assertively using her voice, and owning what she knows. As expected, this change initially created more conflict with her husband. However, she was able to sustain the changes despite the friction, and over time, her connection with her husband deepened, and their relationship improved. As she became more present, her depression diminished. That’s the lesson for women. If we don’t stand up for ourselves, we risk losing critical parts of ourselves and undermining who we are.
Many years ago, I attended the Women’s Project in Family therapy, a two-day conference led by four well-known women family therapists. They explored the pervasiveness of patriarchal biases even among the leaders in the field of therapy. One of the phenomena they uncovered was the norm of raising boys by encouraging them to separate from their moms and model themselves solely on their fathers, and not to be vulnerable and cry. But, at this conference, there was a call by therapists to courageously raise men to connect with their feelings, not to deny their emotions, and not to separate from their moms. There are ways for men to be strong and have a big heart.
Inspired by the groundbreaking work of the Women’s Project, I recognize the importance of challenging traditional patriarchal perspectives that have long influenced the therapeutic field. The project’s revelation that even feminist-oriented therapists often carried patriarchal biases underscored the need for a radical shift in approach. By critically examining my own assumptions and freeing myself from limiting ‘codes of goodness,’ I offer my clients a fresh perspective that empowers them to redefine their experiences and create meaningful change.
My therapeutic approach focuses on empowering women to reclaim their narratives, make informed choices, and live authentically. Together, we work to unravel the threads of these unspoken codes and weave a new tapestry of possibilities that honors their unique talents, strengths, and desires.
Alissa made my headshot experience very enjoyable. As she readied the camera, she asked me “What’s your favorite music?’ And while I was listening to the playlist, I thought to myself ‘This is a lovely way to spend a Monday morning.” Alissa is a delight to talk with. She is a talented photographer. I don’t know how she does it, but she captures the personality of each individual. It’s as if she is viewing you from the inside out."